B****marked I MEAN Birthmarked

First of all, look at this title.

Image stolen from Amazon. Obviously. From whom you should order this book right now at this location
Just look at that title. Does that NOT look like "Bitchmarked" to you? I mean really. I don't even call it Birthmarked anymore. It is so obviously Bitchmarked.
Anyway, this book was awesome.
Why was it awesome?
Well...
I didn't hate the main character. This is good. She had a sort of Not Too Much Of A Martyr-ness to her that didn't piss me off too much.
The romance? The romance! It was perfect! It was the total, like, "I hate you. But hey, maybe I'll be a human being for a couple minutes. Oh, whoa, you're hot when you're not bitching at me. Okay, I'll help you for like five minutes, but I won't enjoy it. Okay, maybe I might. A little bit... OMGILOVEYOU. OH S*** THERE ARE DUDES WITH GUNS CHASING US. BACK TO REALITY.
I really liked the setting. It takes place in the area that once was the Great Lakes region, but after a fuel-related apocalypse combined with climate change, all the water dried up. The culture is kind of old-west-y, which is cool. Also, they wear cloaks. Cloaks are one of those things that nobody actually wears, but they must be present for a book to be cool. Or something.
In case you're really confused, Bitchmarked is about a girl named Gaia who lives not in but outside a Really Cool Post-apocalyptic Enclave (Once again, you're not cool unless you have either a clave or an enclave. What's the difference, by the way?). She's not quite cool enough to live IN the enclave, of course, she's too badass. The way it works is that you either live in it our outside of it. Instead of hospitals they have midwives, so every birth is assisted by one or two women, usually particular to the area. The midwives have an obligation to "advance" a certain number of babies every month to be adopted into the Enclave, who have a little problem with inbreeding, due to the fact that they live inside a wall.
Note to future post-apocalyptic societies: avoid living inside a wall as long as it is possible to live outside a wall. I mean, REALLY.
Anyway, Gaia's mom is the midwife, and Gaia kind of has this little "apprentice" thing going on. Gaia has a scar on her face, by the way, which makes people think she's a freak. Anyway, her parents get arrested, and she has to take over as midwife, taking people's children and advancing them and all that stuff. And then stuff happens and it gets really awesome. I'm going to try and avoid spoilers on this one, especially since it's better if you don't know them. Even the romance isn't totally obvious from the beginning, unless of course you're me and you know how it's going to end from the first page. I read too much. I haven't been surprised by a book in years.
Except maybe Goliath, but kind of not even.
So, as for the plot: awesome. I've been wanting something with that sort of Awesometype (New word. This is the kind of "vibe" the book sends, the energy of it. I'm cool, right?) for a while now. I'm making Mrs. McCauley read it, so we can discuss it on our Book Show Thing.

OH AND OMGGUESSWHAT? No Love Triangle of Doom. Yup. SOMEONE WITH SOME LEVEL OF ORIGINALITY YAY.
AND THERE'S A SEQUEL. I'm getting a Kindle Fire soon, so I can be even more of a book nerd, so that might be my first ebook.

WWMMRHRN:
-Sushi?
-Booksbooksbooks
-no homework, pleaseee
-Foood

Next Book: WGWG? This Dark Endeavor? The Last Hero? The world may never know.

Goliath

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG
Now that I've gotten that out of the way, I need to warn you:
THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR ALL THREE BOOKS IN THE LEVIATHAN TRILOGY.
Moving on.
This book was amazing. Seriously. I loved it so much that I am going to start with the three things I hated about it and then move on to the fangirling. That way, I can get it off my chest.
1. Anastasia never showed up. I mean, durr, I knew she wasn't going to, but seriously! At the time, she'd have been fourteen, just old enough to fit into Alek and Deryn and Lilit and Newkirk's little gang. She's awesome. She was also a bit of a prankster, which would have been hilarious aboard the Leviathan. Moving on.
2. Remember the April Fool's Day art reveal? The one that made like fifty of us practically pee ourselves? This one? I really wanted it to be real. Really, really wanted it. I was also hoping that maybe it was two separate images stuck together, because I don't care about Alek destroying the chapel in his pirate walker as long as Deryn and Lilit are in some terribly awkward situation involving Lilit in a wedding dress. I like awkwardness, don't I?
Completely off topic, did you know that Scott's blog is the fourth most visited site on my browser? Because I'm totally not a stalker.
3. Alek never really got jealous of Deryn, which my buddy this girl recently pointed out to me, which sucks for Deryn because it's, like, not fair. Or something.
I don't know, all right?

Now, on to the important stuff.
THE REVEAL.

I'm glad Alek got to figure it out on his own. I mean, we're so mean to him anyway. He's a dummkopf in every fanfiction (especially mine... gah) and we sort of rag on him all the time, so he deserves something. Although it could have been more, you know, fun. Dramatic.

DERYN IN A KIMONO
Did not happen >:( C'mon, Scott, that would have taken like no effort to just stick her in a kimono for like five seconds. As long as there's an illustration we really don't care.

BOVRIL CREATING AN ARMY OF SPIDERS THAT LITERALLY BARK
Okay, fine. I have my limits.


Anyway, I finished this book about a day after I got it, and got it about five days after it came out, and then started this post about five minutes thereafter, but I kind of saved it as a draft, left off halfway through a sentence, and forgot to finish it. Oh well.

What Would Make Me Really Happy Right Now:
-Sushi
-Some of that soup that I can smell cooking but isn't done yet
-More books. Need more books

Next Books:
Birthmarked, WGWG (still...) 1984, some other stuff

Enclave

This may be my first intelligent post in a very long time.
Omiholywhatthegosh that was an epicgoodscarygoreycrazyomygod book.
This might be my favorite futuristic dystopia to date. What stands out about this one is that it feels so real. Possible. Like this could actually happen. That's why it's so hard-hitting. This was one of those books where the characters were on one side displaying that sense of detatchment that I hate, where they're not really characters but empty stereotypes to make the story move. These characters can be compared to those of Scott Westerfeld's Uglies because although there are some aspects of them that are completely vague, the emotions and connections between the characters go so far beyond the plot that I do feel like they are real people. I'm looking forward to Ann Aguirre's next book, Outpost, which is apparently going to come out fall 2012 and will be the sequel to Enclave. Yes! Except I'll have to wait more than a year. Darn it.
I've decided that this isn't like the Mortal Instruments Series (Cassandra Clare) which I literally would (and do) recommend to anyone over the age of twelve and under the age of thirty with no strict values or religious views that suggests that a gay romance would offend them. See, in MI, there is something for everyone--romance, action, fantasy, badassery--the list goes on. Enclave takes a certain kind of person to enjoy: someone who can read about the blood and the pain and the gore and take it, that knows that we need these warnings and wants to see them, to imagine the worst and work toward the best. The people that see history as a warning, whether it be the real Holocaust of WWII or fictional events such as the "second" one mentioned on the first page of Enclave. Some people want to know what's next. Some people want to influence it.
This is going to go a bit off topic, but I see it fitting considering that this is what this story makes me think about and I think it also relates to what Aguirre wanted to say when she wrote the book. I cannot stand it when people tell me they hate history, that they do not see the point in learning about people and governments and wars that existed a long time ago when they could just "learn about now" or "learn about the future" or some other dumb excuse for laziness and ignorance. Sure, history class can be boring and it's true that we don;t necessarily have to know the exact ways that every single republic liberated itself from the Soviet Union. But we do need to know that the Soviet Union existed, and that it failed, and why it failed, because it was a bad time and we need to make sure it does not happen again. You want to leave history to the nerds and the historians? All right. You go play Angry Birds on your iPhone and I'll go decide how the world will be run, and then you can let me dictate your life and indoctrinate your children and strip you of your rights. Without the education to know why this is bad or what could come of it, you are a helpless victim of my power. We cannot predict the future, so only knowledge of the past can help us ensure that it will be bright. We're lucky that we live in a time and place of relative peace and prosperity. If we don't think about our future, it might not be so bright, and your descendants will have no one but you to blame for it. If you think that all that matters is now, and because you are lucky enough to be a human in America in the twenty-first century, you're selfish. Your ancestors and your descendants are slapping you right now.
I may sound like a hypocrite--yes, I love history, but what am I doing to help the future other than talk? I'm speaking to myself as well when I write this.

What would make me really happy right now:
-An alternative universe generator
-Sushi
-More books
-Outpost

Next book: I'm going to take a look around my library for that now, actually.

BTW: I almost tagged this Love Triangle of Doom because there are two guys and both kiss the heroine, but really, it doesn't apply. The romance in this book was beautifully subtle and did not ever get in the way of the plot; in fact, it worked really well to strengthen the bonds between the characters and make slow action parts more interesting. Not that there are a lot of slow parts. I can honestly say that the romantic situation is actually fairly original, maybe due to its low profile, but it is well written and is probably the first good aberration from the Love Triangle of Doom that I have ever seen in a fantasy, sci-fi or dystopian novel. Congratulations, Ann Aguirre, you have somehow managed not to disappoint the Manon.

The Woman Who Rides Like A Man

Dang that title is an innuendo.
ANYWAY
I think I need to do another letter to the character. She didn't answer my last one, and as I am on Facebook, I believe the correct way to deal with this situation is to KEEP BUGGING HER TILL SHE DOES. (for the record, that is a joke, because I know if anyone reads that they'll ask.)
Not like anyone reads this anyway.

Dear Alanna,
You did not completely disappoint me this time around. Only somewhat. See, what I love about you is that even though you get sluttier and less adorable (did you know google chrome recognizes "sluttier" as a word? Wait, you don't know what that is. You're from the middle ages. Also, you're NOT REAL.) by the minute, you also got more badass. You don't go all OMG I LOVE YOU SO IM GONNA JUST BETRAY LITTLE ADORABLE PAGE ALANNA AND EVERYTHING SHE WORKED FOR FOR LIKE FIVE YEARS AND JUST SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE BEING ALL ILOVEYOU! WITH JON. Instead, well, you've asserted yourself as a total BA to that jerk prince of yours, who is now flirting with some DUMB BLONDE CHICK WHO'S HOTTER THAN YOU AND SLUTTIER BUT HEY YOU'RE BETTER THAN THEM SO WHO EVEN CARES because you have George who is way better anyway. I always preferred him.
I like your performance regarding the little shaman girls. And Ishak deserved to die. Do not cross a girl who rides horses, does magic, wields epic swords of awesome, and has a pet cat that may in fact be a god. Basically, is someone that cool tells you not to do something, for god's sake don't do it.
That is all.
-your least-favorite person in the world besides Duke Roger,
Manon

What would make me really happy right now:
-sushiiii
-more books
-more reading time
-to not be so tired

Next book: either Lioness Rampant or Enclave

PS this book is one of the few examples of the love triangle of doom (see Matched for an explanation of this, I might even start making posts on this sort of thing) that I actually like. I'm making a new tag: Love Triangle Of Doom.

In the Hand of the Goddess

Dear Alanna,
Awww, I love you. You're so adorable. Except you're old now, which is really annoying. You were so much cuter when you were all awkward and twelve and like OMGEWBOYSARESOGROSS. And I totally love that You have sort of made out with George a little, so I am happy in that respect. However, I am a bit concerned for the future of your character.
First of all, you're all old and such, so you won't be as fun and adorable. That makes me sad. Also, you're with Jon now. The problem with characters actually hooking up is that there's really not a lot you can do with them now. I mean, if they're SUPPOSED to make out, where's the fun in that? So, chances are, they will break up. Which is annoying. (Note the fact that I cannot write romance because my characters are usually broken up within the same chapter they got together in. I mean, teenage relationships only last so long. "They got together... and yeah. They lived happily ever after." I can't get any thrill into a relationship that WORKS, so I naturally have to destroy it.) If you and Jon stay together for the next two books, they will probably bore me to tears. So, I can tell you this now--whether or not you end up with Jon, the two of you are doomed to some sort of breakup. Also, while George is still alive, he will always be "stalking" you, as you so eleagantly put it. So you two are probably going to make out some more. So please, break up with Jon first, because if you make out with George while you're still with Jon, I'm going to have to consider you a slut, and I don't like sluts. They bother me. They also suck to read about because they are almost always selfish and inconsiderate.
One thing you need to remember in the next book is that you are a knight. You might be a girl and the prince's lover, but you have responsibilities. As pretty much every book of this genre in which the couple hooks up before the end, it is very easy to forget the mission at hand and just run off into the sunset, especially since the mission at hand is fulfilling your responsibilities as a knight of Tortall, which poses no immediate foreseeable danger toward you or a loved one, so running off into the sunset almost sounds kind of reasonable. But No! You must not turn into a girl on me! Just because everyone knows you're female now does not mean that you need to act like it. Remember why you got into this! You cannot betray your adorable twelve-year-old self!
Also, the epilogue suggests that you are leaving on your Adventure! without either George or Jon. There are only a few ways this could go romantically:
1. You spend the whole Adventure! missing Jon and being all "omgimissyoucomebacktome" (Conclusion: the book will suck)
2. Jon shows up at some point and joins you. (Conclusion: The book could go either way.)
3. George shows up at some point and joins you. You guys have fabulous Adventures! but you stay true to Jon. (Conclusion: the book will be okay.)
4. George shows up at some point and joins you. You cheat on Jon because George is older, better, cooler, and also immediately avaliable. (Conclusion: you're a slut and the book kind of sucks, except that George is there and he makes me happy so I'll probably enjoy it somewhat anyway.)
5. You meet a new guy and, due to the law of Everyone Likes the Sexy Maingirl Who Doesn't Realize How Sexy She Is, he falls in love with you and you totally betray Jon but that's okay because he's hot and immediately avaliable. (Conclusion: the book sucks and you're a slut.)
6. You end up back at the palace, there are no Adventures!, and you stay with Jon. (Conclusion: Boooo-ring.)
7. You end up back at the palace, there are no Adventures! of the predicted sort, but you dump Jon/he dumps you, and you and George do something awesome. (Conclusion: this might be pretty good...)
8. Jon has to marry politically (or he finds a new slut) and you run off with George/new guy/etc. and have Adventures!
9. You actually make it through the Adventures! without any romantic affiliation, act like Mini Alanna again, and I love you. (Conclusion: Congratulations! You're awesome! But this will never happen!!!)

Choose wisely, my child. Choose wisely.

What would make me really happy right now:
-Book 3
-My copy of book 2 to have the small cover because the ghetto-copies have the adorable Alannas whereas the big ones have Alanna the Slut, who looks like Tinkerbell crossed with a fish with strawberry vomit on her head (wait, that's HAIR???)
-Sushi
-Money

Next Book: Maybe Paper Towns? I mean, I'm almost done with that thing...

CITY OF FALLEN ANGELS

MAJOR SPOILERS, JUST SO YA KNOW.
LIKE, SERIOUSLY.
Okay, this is going to sound weird, but I AM weird and you know that. So I'll confide in the POSSIBLE ZERO READERS OF THIS BLOG that while reading this book I was screaming at the characters, literally speaking out lound telling them what to do.
And not while home alone. I do this with PEOPLE WATCHING.
So I think I'm going to format this post as my instructions to individual characters, plus ratings on how much I liked them. (1-10, ten is the highest <3)
MAIA:
Honestly, you didn't piss me off too much this time. I didn't like you that much before, but you've won my appreciation <3 GOOD DOGGIE GOOD GIRL. YOU DESERVE A BISCUIT.
JORDAN:
Ditto. You actually made me pretty happy a few times. And I got to quote you once or twice on the Wall of Epic located in my library.
ISABELLE:
So, I will always love you, being so amazingly awesome in every way. You pretty much weren't too evil. I give you an 11. (You really got a nine, but I scale two points for you being so fabulous. ALSO OLIVIA IF YOU'RE DUMB ENOUGH TO READ THIS I TOTALLY WON THE SAIA VS SISABELLE DEBATE FTW.)
Also, it's annoying how everyone in fanfiction and art thinks you have blue eyes even though book one clearly states that they are black. It doesn't remond you often though, the way it does Alec's blue ones, but in this book it comes up a lot.
SIMON:
Beginning of the book: *slap* C'mon Si, you know better than two DATE TWO GIRLS AT ONCE WHO BOTH KNOW EACH OTHER AND CAN QUITE EASILY KICK YOUR ASS ALONG WITH THOSE OF ALL OF THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU. ESPECIALLY SINCE ONE HAS CLAWS AND IS A WEREWOLF AND THE OTHER HAS A WHIP AND KNOWS HOW TO USE IT. TO KILL DEMONS. 1. (that point is just for the fact that you're a bass player.)
End of book: YAY MY SIMON IS BACK *hug* 9.
Also, it bothers me how you were like 6'5 in the first book and all insanelytallandstuff and then in the last chapter you were all OMG IM ALL 5'6 AND SHORTER THAN EVERYONE even though you were all TALLER THAN JACE HAHAH MAN PRIDE in book 1. AND IT'S BEEN LIKE TWO MONTHS SINCE THEN SO DO NOT BLAME PUBERTY.
MAUREEN:
I love you. You're just so cute and out of your league and terrifying and I want to see you kick some demon ass and maybe make out with Simon. If Cassie loves me. (She usually loves me, so I have hope.) I was quite determined that you would return as a vampire, so there was no surprise there. We have not seen the last of you, and YOU WILL DO ANNOYING, AWESOME, AND/OR EVIL THINGS FOR ME IN THE FUTURE, NON? 10 for the rainbow armwarmers.
ALEC:
You were being kind of whiny most of the book, but I guess if I had just found out I was the latest in the long line of lovers, I'd be rather miffed. And then when you shoved Clary out of the elevator, I really wanted to hug you. So you get an 8.
CLARY:
Honestly, I really only love you because you make out with Jace. Also, you're short. Short people are awesome. (See, Sammy? I'm only mean to short people 'cuz I'm jealous.) You get a 9 for being all assertive of your femininity and not all OMG JACE WE CANNOT BE TOGETHER *WHINECRYWAILMOAN* and instead all WTF JACE YOU ARE SO OVERDRAMATIC MY FATHER IS DEAD WE ARE NOT SIBLINGS YOU ARE NOT A DEMON SO THERE REALLY IS NO REASON WE CANNOT BE TOGETHER SO SHUT UP AND KISS ME.
MAGNUS:
Oh, Magnus. Why are you such a slut? I guess I can understand TV tropes' "everything that moves" comment when you mentioned the djinn. And the genie. And the other stuff. But I still love you. Just don't break Alec's heart or I BREAK YOUR FACE. 8.
CAMILLE:
I don't like you. you get a 2 for being French.
JONATHAN CHRISTOPHER MORGENSTERN AKA SEBASTION:
-123456789087654321345678976543245678987654 for obvious reasons.
LILITH:
That to the power of googleplex. Plex. Plex. Plex. Plex.
JACE:
Saving you for last. The mainchick's boyfriend always needs the most lecturing.
So, here goes.
1. YOU AND CLARY ARE NOT SIBLINGS. YOU ARE NOT A DEMON. YOU ARE NOT VALENTINE NOR ARE YOU HIS SON. SO FIND A WAY TO KILL SEBASTION/JCM AND GO BE CLARY'S BOYFRIEND SOMEWHERE LIKE A GOOD LITTLE SHADOWHUNTER.
2. I'M REALLY MAD AT YOU BUT I CAN'T COME UP WITH A GOOD REASON SO DEAL WITH YOUR PROBLEMS AND THEN STOP WHINING.
3. I'M NOT EVEN USING CAPS LOCK. HOLDING DOWN THE SHIFT KEY MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I'M VENTING MY ANGER.

WHAT WOULD MAKE ME REALLY HAPPY RIGHT NOW:
-SUSHI
-Jace to be a good little shadowhunter and get rid of his girlfriend's brother and OH MY GOD STOP WHINING
-BOOK 5. NOW.
-More books
-My books to alphabetize and shelf themselves. I'm catalogueing by author's last name for the first time and like, I have 48 books under the letter B alone. And that's less than S, C and W.

Next book: Revolution? Idk.

Behemoth

This morning I finished reading Behemoth, which is an amazing book by Scott Westerfeld. It was awesome for a multitude of reasons, but I am still kind of mad at Scott-sama for not having Deryn tell Alek she's a girl. Arrghh!!!
For anyone who doesn't know the series, Behemoth is the sequel to Leviathan, which is an alternative version of WWI in which Darwin discovered DNA and was able to fabricate animals, bringing old species back to life and creating new ones to use in daily life or war. One of the main characters, Deryn Sharp, if a fifteen year old girl disguised as a sixteen year old boy in the British Air Service, working on board the Leviathan, which is a giant whale warship that flies, basically. The other main character, Alek, is an Austrian prince who is being hunted by the Germans for a variety of reasons. The whole thing is pretty awesome.
Anyway, in celebration of finally finishing Behemoth (I've had it since FRIDAY NIGHT for god's sake!) I am Deryn Sharp for the rest of today. I'm wearing a white shirt, red tie, jeans, a bomber jacket, and combat boots, which it the best I could come up with, and pretty soon I'll be shouting "Barking Spiders!" at people when provoked.
So please, someone, provoke me so I can swear like a barking book character.
Hey, that worked.
One of the amazing things that makes the Leviathan series--Leviathan, Behemoth, and soon Goliath--is that they have illustrations. This is pretty amazing considering that most YA novels do not get cool pictures. The illustrations, I think, are very important because all the cool techy stuff is extremely difficult to describe, so pictures are kind of necessary for the reader to be able to stay on the same page as the story. Unless Scott Westerfeld wants to go into extreme boring detail about walkers and beasties and stuff, when instead he can just have the fabulous Keith Thompson draw it in perfect detail.


What would make me really happy right now:
-If someone would get me a perspicacious loris
-A short sleeved white button-down shirt
-A bomber jacket, so I don't have to borrow dad's

Next book: The Pricker Boy, by my homeroom teacher Mr. Whinnem :D